Wednesday, 26 January 2011

How not to sell your house

We are in the process of selling our house to buy something bigger for our growing numbers. This is not as easy as we hoped with the current market as it is, so I developed this essential list to help.

As the potential buyer enters the house you should set the ambiance of a perfect lifestyle.
You should have pre-trained your cats and dogs to do their best.  This includes the following sub issues:
  • Cats and dogs should be trained to create natural air freshener which saves on glade plug-ins. This can consist of the odd crafty turd lurking in the corner of the room, feeding your dog sprouts the previous evening or introducing them to a week old fox faeces which they can lather themselves up in.
  • Ensure there is a good variety of excretions on the front lawn sticking up like stalagmites or possibly in a Stone Henge arrangement if you have had enough time to train them .
  • Dog hair is essential to place all over the floor and seats, ready to cling to the black skirt or trouser leg of the discerning buyer, the more the better. 
  • A welcome gift of a licked clean mouse liver is essential on the doorstep.
  • If it's summer and the viewers are likely to look around the garden, make sure you have not cut the lawn and the dog has sneakily hidden it's Stone Henge arrangement beneath the grass as a booby trap-even better if the prospective buyers wear flip flops.  Direct the viewers down the faeceed area, stand back and laugh out loud (they will love that)
  • Fill the cat litter tray to the brim and add ornamental toadstools to it saying 'I think it adds a nice feature to the room'
Tasteless colours - It is a fact that new buyers love maroon or avocado bathroom suites. If you are unlucky enough to have a white suite some cheap paint may give it a quick makeover at a fraction of the cost of a new suite.
It is a must to add a floater or the bare minimum of a skid mark to every toilet.  If the viewer uses the toilet complain to them that they should clean up after themselves.

Bed clothes and bedrooms should always smell of teenage boy, this should include damp tissues, socks and mouldy mugs placed strategically around each room.
Crusty pants should take centre stage on top of the over flowing laundry basket.

Family photos should be in place on every surface.  Mostly of children with two green rivers of snot and ice lolly or sweet covered faces and hands.  It is essential that the children have gappy teeth, if need be cut some photos out of 'Take a Break' magazine and cut out the story 'I used to be a man but now I'm expecting my Grandads baby' then pass it off as your brothers story.

5. Kitchen - There should be a good portion of potato peelings on the floor, covered in the usual mixture of hair.  Sink should be full of a weeks worth of washing up and the kitchen surface encrusted in gravy and tomato ketchup.

You should have had kippers for every meal during the week and not emptied the bin to give the savoury aroma every loves.

6. Before the viewing invite your most hairy friend over to stay for the week and make sure they leave every type of hair they have around the plug hole.  Not only does this show that the shower works, but it can create a shag pile effect which is all the rage.

Take one of your friends longest pubes and hang it off the side of the mug you offer the viewer tea in.  If they complain say to them 'At least it's not ginger'.

7. If you have a shed, hide an old tramp or someone who smells of wee, possibly a relative in it. If anyone asks just say that they came with the house and haven't been any trouble so far.

I hope this helps in some way and remember join my protest 'Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!'

Sunday, 23 January 2011

Mans Helping Hand

After having my back operation on my Birthday, the hospital sent me home with a number of presents including:

A raised toilet seat: I call this my throne, not only does it help me sit down by using the helpful handles but it has a cushioned seat which beats my usual bottom numbing toilet seat.
After using it for the first time I was pleased with the experience, that was until I used my 'helping hand' (more on that later) to pull up my PJ bottoms.  I had made the mistake of having a luxury sit down wee...this came straight out of the bottom of my throne and was mopped up by my PJ's!  This initially gave a warm feeling, much like I remember when I was a kid wetting myself and walking around with widened legs like John Wayne.  Pity I look more like Wayne Sleep wearing my stockings!
Stockings and a Corset:  I'm sure the Doctors get a laugh getting patients to believe and follow their every word.  If they advised me to put my finger up my bum every half hour I would, incidentally this is the method they have always used to diagnose any illness I have ever had (one up the bum, no harm done!!!)  It must be a way to show that the patient is serious enough about the pain they are in to allow someone to insert their lubricated fingers into you with trainee doctors watching on with interest. The question they asked was, 'Does this feel normal'?  I replied 'As normal as it could feel having a strangers finger up your bum and an audience taking notes!'

After a few days on my back the nurses got me ready for home life.  First they taught me how to put on a corset and stockings, then they sent in two young physios to teach me how to walk again around the hospital.  The bonus of the morphine is that I didn't care that I was walking holding the hands of two ladies, in my best pants, corset and stockings, smelling like you a sock, whilst one of them held my catheter protruding from my penis and attached to a bag of my piss.  The only time something similar has happened to me was on my stag do.  The only difference was the lack of a bag of piss and the sock I used down my leg-ins to top off my Rod Stewart look.

Helping Hand:  This is a type of grabber and my favourite present.  I use it for various things, pulling up my pants and trousers after using the throne.  Tweaking my dogs balls whilst he sleeps, squeezing my wife's bottom as she passes, taking the post from the postman just to scare him with my robot arm, picking up dirty nappies.  The list is endless, I can't believe I have lived without one for so many years!

On my third day back at home a booklet came through the door.  To my delight it was one of the ones aimed at the older generation, you know the ones with comfy shoes and slacks for £4.50 and men's pants with a hidden pad for when you wet yourself.
These used to give me a cheap laugh, but to my concern I was actually thinking how useful the products were looking! 

One last thing to report is my neighbour was knocking at my door at 2.30 in the morning last night.  Fucking hell......2.30am!  What sort of person does that?  Luckily for them I was still up playing my drums.

(Joke stolen from Ali Ray)

Monday, 10 January 2011

Real Men Eat Quiche

It was once said that real men don't eat quiche. Well if a real man made it, it would be rude not to!
Here is my recipe to becoming a real man: Serves up to 4 men
Finely chop a leek into rounds. A good sharp knife is useful as a blunt one wouldn't work.

Next up slice a good portion of smoked salmon and leave at the side until ready or until the cat has started eating at it. If this happens hum loudly and pretend nothing has happened.
By this time you should have already blind baked a pastry casing in the oven for 15-20 mins at 180 degrees in a fan oven.

Blind baking is cooking the quiche base with silver foil over the top and weighted down with beans or rice. The rice or beans are removed before filling.
The reason it's called blind baking is because a blind baker developed the quiche and became famous throughout the world known as 'Robert Quiche the blind baker' before Jamie Oliver's time.

His brother was famous for being the baker with brown fingers, why? Because he kneaded a poo!

Next melt a Knob of butter (not a nob of course that is cheese, that is of the Yogi variety ) in a frying pan an soften the leeks until very lightly golden.

At this point it is essential to drink some home brew lager (pictured) which you should have made 10 days before Christmas. If not any lager or ale will do.
Mix 4 large free range eggs and a pot of creme fraiche in a bowl and season.

This should resemble gloopy vomit with a consistency of 8 pints and a dodgy chicken Korma.

Add the vomit, salmon and some wilted spinach (to add muscle) to the pre-cooked base and place in the oven for around 30 mins or until the top is golden brown.

Place on a plate with potato wedges and a small amount of salad, if ladies are present, if not add more wedges.
If this isn't a recipe for the new age man, I don't know what is!

I had a ploughmans lunch today, he was livid!