Wednesday, 26 January 2011

How not to sell your house

We are in the process of selling our house to buy something bigger for our growing numbers. This is not as easy as we hoped with the current market as it is, so I developed this essential list to help.

As the potential buyer enters the house you should set the ambiance of a perfect lifestyle.
You should have pre-trained your cats and dogs to do their best.  This includes the following sub issues:
  • Cats and dogs should be trained to create natural air freshener which saves on glade plug-ins. This can consist of the odd crafty turd lurking in the corner of the room, feeding your dog sprouts the previous evening or introducing them to a week old fox faeces which they can lather themselves up in.
  • Ensure there is a good variety of excretions on the front lawn sticking up like stalagmites or possibly in a Stone Henge arrangement if you have had enough time to train them .
  • Dog hair is essential to place all over the floor and seats, ready to cling to the black skirt or trouser leg of the discerning buyer, the more the better. 
  • A welcome gift of a licked clean mouse liver is essential on the doorstep.
  • If it's summer and the viewers are likely to look around the garden, make sure you have not cut the lawn and the dog has sneakily hidden it's Stone Henge arrangement beneath the grass as a booby trap-even better if the prospective buyers wear flip flops.  Direct the viewers down the faeceed area, stand back and laugh out loud (they will love that)
  • Fill the cat litter tray to the brim and add ornamental toadstools to it saying 'I think it adds a nice feature to the room'
Tasteless colours - It is a fact that new buyers love maroon or avocado bathroom suites. If you are unlucky enough to have a white suite some cheap paint may give it a quick makeover at a fraction of the cost of a new suite.
It is a must to add a floater or the bare minimum of a skid mark to every toilet.  If the viewer uses the toilet complain to them that they should clean up after themselves.

Bed clothes and bedrooms should always smell of teenage boy, this should include damp tissues, socks and mouldy mugs placed strategically around each room.
Crusty pants should take centre stage on top of the over flowing laundry basket.

Family photos should be in place on every surface.  Mostly of children with two green rivers of snot and ice lolly or sweet covered faces and hands.  It is essential that the children have gappy teeth, if need be cut some photos out of 'Take a Break' magazine and cut out the story 'I used to be a man but now I'm expecting my Grandads baby' then pass it off as your brothers story.

5. Kitchen - There should be a good portion of potato peelings on the floor, covered in the usual mixture of hair.  Sink should be full of a weeks worth of washing up and the kitchen surface encrusted in gravy and tomato ketchup.

You should have had kippers for every meal during the week and not emptied the bin to give the savoury aroma every loves.

6. Before the viewing invite your most hairy friend over to stay for the week and make sure they leave every type of hair they have around the plug hole.  Not only does this show that the shower works, but it can create a shag pile effect which is all the rage.

Take one of your friends longest pubes and hang it off the side of the mug you offer the viewer tea in.  If they complain say to them 'At least it's not ginger'.

7. If you have a shed, hide an old tramp or someone who smells of wee, possibly a relative in it. If anyone asks just say that they came with the house and haven't been any trouble so far.

I hope this helps in some way and remember join my protest 'Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!'

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