Sunday, 23 January 2011

Mans Helping Hand

After having my back operation on my Birthday, the hospital sent me home with a number of presents including:

A raised toilet seat: I call this my throne, not only does it help me sit down by using the helpful handles but it has a cushioned seat which beats my usual bottom numbing toilet seat.
After using it for the first time I was pleased with the experience, that was until I used my 'helping hand' (more on that later) to pull up my PJ bottoms.  I had made the mistake of having a luxury sit down wee...this came straight out of the bottom of my throne and was mopped up by my PJ's!  This initially gave a warm feeling, much like I remember when I was a kid wetting myself and walking around with widened legs like John Wayne.  Pity I look more like Wayne Sleep wearing my stockings!
Stockings and a Corset:  I'm sure the Doctors get a laugh getting patients to believe and follow their every word.  If they advised me to put my finger up my bum every half hour I would, incidentally this is the method they have always used to diagnose any illness I have ever had (one up the bum, no harm done!!!)  It must be a way to show that the patient is serious enough about the pain they are in to allow someone to insert their lubricated fingers into you with trainee doctors watching on with interest. The question they asked was, 'Does this feel normal'?  I replied 'As normal as it could feel having a strangers finger up your bum and an audience taking notes!'

After a few days on my back the nurses got me ready for home life.  First they taught me how to put on a corset and stockings, then they sent in two young physios to teach me how to walk again around the hospital.  The bonus of the morphine is that I didn't care that I was walking holding the hands of two ladies, in my best pants, corset and stockings, smelling like you a sock, whilst one of them held my catheter protruding from my penis and attached to a bag of my piss.  The only time something similar has happened to me was on my stag do.  The only difference was the lack of a bag of piss and the sock I used down my leg-ins to top off my Rod Stewart look.

Helping Hand:  This is a type of grabber and my favourite present.  I use it for various things, pulling up my pants and trousers after using the throne.  Tweaking my dogs balls whilst he sleeps, squeezing my wife's bottom as she passes, taking the post from the postman just to scare him with my robot arm, picking up dirty nappies.  The list is endless, I can't believe I have lived without one for so many years!

On my third day back at home a booklet came through the door.  To my delight it was one of the ones aimed at the older generation, you know the ones with comfy shoes and slacks for £4.50 and men's pants with a hidden pad for when you wet yourself.
These used to give me a cheap laugh, but to my concern I was actually thinking how useful the products were looking! 

One last thing to report is my neighbour was knocking at my door at 2.30 in the morning last night.  Fucking hell......2.30am!  What sort of person does that?  Luckily for them I was still up playing my drums.

(Joke stolen from Ali Ray)

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