Sunday, 13 February 2011

Valentines Day

With Valentines day fast approaching, many men are wondering what to buy their partner to show their true love.
The shops are full of loads of tat ranging from 'I love you' balloons to penis moulds for the nights you are away, shocking!

I have decided that you don't need to waste money on the things your partner wont want or will collect dust until she thinks you wont mind if it's thrown away.  Here are a few ideas I have come up with to show your true love.

Valentines day falls on Monday this year, therefore it might be wise to wait until the evening to share presents, just to give you more time to buy them on the way home.

This can start with a bunch of flowers (freshly bought from the garage) and a romantic kiss when you get home from work. If you have taken the day off or don't work, this can happen at about 11.00am when you wake up ready for the Jeremy Kyle show.

It's traditional that you buy over priced Carnations, as roses are too expensive, and a bottle of Asti to go with your romantic meal of a large mans steak.

Make sure you dress for the occasion.  This means wearing your best pants and removing your winter vest from beneath your unironed shirt. A comedy tie from your work Secret Santa also goes down well.

If you have a child, you are lucky enough to spend yet another evening at home.  Make it special by eating in front of Eastenders and continue to sit on the sofa until you are too tired to move or even consider anything romantic.

Leave the dishes until the morning as the fat from the steak always creates a beautiful aroma after a night of maturing and it's always nice to get a whiff of last nights booze.

Keep your valentines card on the window sill until it bends and keels over with age (If unsure, the card should have turned brown in colour)

Take time to reflect your valentines experience and promise yourself, once again, that next year you will make more of an effort, or is this just me?

Happy Valentines X

Thursday, 3 February 2011

Mans best friend

It has been said that a mans best friend is his dog.  I wouldn't say my dog, Russell Crowe, was my BEST ever friend, but he is a very good boy.

Like most of my mates, I don't call him by his given name, Gustav led to Gus to Russ to Russell and finally on to Russell Crowe.  It was going to be Russell Grant, but he has decided he was not a fat gay.

Having a dog can bring loads of pleasure from walking in the country to cleaning up the weekly crap from the lawn, however not everything is a pleasure.
It's a fact that dogs love to fart, THEY STINK! almost as if they have been eating dog food! They seem to give you a little wink, in a way saying "thank-you" for their supper, however they use their brown eye to do the winking.
The worst fart to experience is a dog 'hot boxing' in the car whilst travelling at 70 on the motorway, no escape................breath the green air!

I know we have all been told off at school for either farting or laughing at a fart, but lets be honest, over the years most of us still find farting hilarious.  This is only the case if we are the ones who dealt it, if it's a tramp farting next to you on the bus the humour stops and a punch should be issued.
Although I mentioned that my dog isn't gay, he did go through a confused stage, like an Eton boarder.  He used to like a boyish wrestle with other un- suspecting males which would quickly turn into a good hard shag, finished off by a nose up the bottom.  That's the other dog's bottom, not mine.

Well apart from these down falls, they are still fun to have around, good old Russell Crowe.

I finish this Blog with a LOCAL WARNING:  There have been a few cases of a group of people knocking on peoples doors and stating they have a warrant to see your bottom.  Be warned these people are frauds and are only doing this as a crude way of getting to see your peaches, don't show them under any circumstances!

I wish someone had warned me a few days ago!

Singing to 'We will rock you'